


deep as the sky under my skin

by helsinkibaby



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Het, Romance, season one rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 17:57:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5595538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helsinkibaby/pseuds/helsinkibaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe and Caitlin have both loved and lost. When they meet in STAR Labs, it turns out that it's not just Barry who is saved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	deep as the sky under my skin

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song "First Time" by Lifehouse, which is pretty much my theme song for this whole fic.

The first time Joe had anything approaching a normal conversation with any of the STAR Labs staff, it was on one of his nightly vigils at Barry's bedside. It had been a long day, filled with walking a crime scene, questioning witnesses who were a little short of co-operative before chaining himself to his desk and writing up his notes. Eddie had offered to take the last task but there were some details there that he hadn't been privy to, and besides, his partner had been taking more than enough of Joe's slack over the last few weeks. He was trying to talk to Barry about non work related activities, the latest baseball scores, stuff with Iris, anything he could think of, but the only problem was that he couldn't think at all. Pinching his nose he sighed, wished for a glass of bourbon or, at the very least, a strong cup of coffee. He hated to cut the visit short, but he had a feeling he might have to, otherwise he'd surely fall asleep right here. 

"You look like you could use this."

Joe looked up in surprise at the familiar voice made strange by words he could actually understand rather than medical technobabble. Dr Snow stood at the bottom of Barry's bed, two mugs in her hands and from the steam wafting from them, the aroma it carried with it, he knew it was the coffee he'd just been hankering after. Dr Snow took a step closer, extending a mug to him and he took it gratefully, blowing across the surface before taking a sip. It tasted good, strong and rich, just the way he liked it and definitely the way he needed it. "That's good coffee," he said, holding the mug up in salute before something occurred to him. "How did-"

Dr Snow grinned and he blinked. He didn't think he'd ever seen her do that before. "Three months you've been sitting here every night." Her voice was gentle, almost wistful. "I know how you take your coffee."

Joe tilted his head in acknowledgement. "You still didn't have to do this," he told her. "Thank you." 

She lifted one shoulder in a shrug then wrapped both hands around her mug, stared down into it. "You're welcome." 

Taking another sip of his coffee, Joe's detective's eyes took in everything about her, from her impeccable clothes to the ponytail that looked like she'd just scraped her hair back and tied it up - having single handedly raised a daughter, he knew more about hairstyles than any man of his age reasonably should. He also didn't miss the pallor of her cheeks that her makeup couldn't hide, the tell-tale smudging around her faintly red eyes. He'd seen her every day for three months; even in those first few terrible days he'd never seen her look so shattered. "You're not usually here this late." The observation was straight out of the manual, designed to get a witness talking without directly asking them a question and the thought occurred to him that he should feel bad about using it off the clock. 

He didn't though, not when these were the people charged with looking after his kid. Maybe it was a cop's suspicion but he wanted to know everything he could about them, learn what made them tick. 

Dr Snow gave him a smile that managed to be sad and small and Joe suddenly found himself wondering what she was thinking about, wasn't sure he wanted to know. "I wasn't supposed to be here at all today," she said, looking around her. "I was supposed to be getting married."

"Shit." The word flew from Joe's lips before he could stop it. He held up his hand by way of apology but when Dr Snow's smile widened briefly, his apology died in his throat. 

"Yeah." She took a sip of her coffee. "I just... I couldn't face going home. Besides..." There was another one of those small, sad smiles. "I actually feel closer to him here." She shook her head, rolled her eyes. "That probably sounds ridiculous..."

Actually, it made perfect sense to Joe, but only if one fact was true. He felt his stomach sink as he drew the inevitable conclusion. "Your fiancé... he worked here?" He didn't have the heart to use the verb he probably should have used instead and from the look on Dr Snow's face, she was glad of it. 

"He was one of the engineers. He was in the pipeline when the accelerator went up." Her lips pressed into a thin line and she breathed deeply, in through her nose, out through her mouth. "The explosion would have been worse without him... what he did there." It was a thought that made Joe shudder and he nearly missed her next words. "He saved a lot of lives." 

Once again, Joe spoke without thinking. "And if he were here, you'd kill him yourself, right?" 

This time, the words didn't  just make Dr Snow smile, they actually made her laugh, had her nodding her head. "How did you know?"

Joe shrugged. "I've heard that from a lot of cops' widows." He looked down as his thumb traced a path over the ring on his finger. "I'm sorry for your loss." 

That was quieter and when she spoke, Dr Snow's voice was too. "Your wife?"

He nodded. "Long time ago. Iris was just a kid, barely remembers her." He looked up at her. "It gets better. Mostly." 

A thin sheen of tears shone in her eyes and she looked down at the ground. He could actually see her battling to keep her composure and he reached out with one hand, pushing the chair that was usually Iris's towards her. "Why don't you sit down?" he asked her. "It's kinda nice not to be alone tonight." 

Her eyes met his and for an instant he thought she was going  to refuse. When she sat down, he released a breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding. "Thank you," she said, still not looking at him and it was his turn to smile. 

"You're welcome." 

 

*

The first time that Joe kissed her, it was supposed to be a happy day. 

After all, Barry had finally woken up, and Caitlin was happy about that. 

She was. 

Honestly. 

The fact that he was awake was cause for celebration; the fact that he was awake, talking and walking and running, even if it was out of STAR Labs was beyond anything they could have hoped for. It was a miracle. 

And she was happy. For him, for Joe, for Iris. 

But she was just a little sad for herself. 

Because over the last few months, since Barry had been in a coma, she'd become accustomed to having him there, and not just him, but the nightly visit of one of Central City PD's finest. Over the last few months, since her wedding day that wasn't, she'd got into the habit of dropping by the room when she knew he'd be there, sometimes doing Barry's obs, catching Joe up on how he was doing, even if that meant telling him that there was no change. He'd tell her about his day, what he was working on, even if she had the feeling that he sanitised a lot of it for her benefit, and most nights she'd appear at some stage with a cup of coffee in the same mug that she'd given him that first night. 

She'd come to enjoy those chats, even look forward to them and this was the first night in months that Joe wasn't going to be there. She was surprised to find out how much she was going to miss it. 

Shaking her head she grabbed her purse and headed for home, not before exacting a promise from Cisco that he'd call her in if Barry contacted the lab. She had a date with her couch, Netflix and a tub of Haagen-Daaz and if it wasn't where she really wanted to be, then it would have to do. 

She was almost at her car when a voice called her name, making her jump and whirl around, hand rising to her heart. 

"Caitlin!" The voice came again and this time she could see who was speaking, not that she needed to. She'd recognised the voice straight away, just the initial fright had overwhelmed that knowledge. 

"Joe!" She couldn't remember when in the last couple of weeks they'd moved past Doctor and Detective but she found she didn't really care about that right then, not when he was smiling as he approached her, a broad beaming grin that she'd never seen before. She knew what he was going to do a split second before he did it, so when she was lifted off her feet, when he spun her around as a laugh bubbled from his throat, it wasn't a big surprise. 

No more than was the tight hug he gave her when her feet finally touched the ground again. 

When he loosened his grip, her hands were resting on his shoulders and she couldn't help but smile up at him. "Thank you," he said and she felt a lump in her throat, forced it back with everything she had. This was a happy day. 

"I'm so happy for you," she began but she didn't get any further than that. 

His lips on hers cut her off. 

For a second, just a second, she froze. 

Then her lips opened under his, one hand moving to the back of his neck, the other to the back of his head. She clung onto him tightly, like she was drowning and maybe she was,  because she hadn't felt something like this in longer than she cared to remember. It was as if something had awoken inside her, something that had been frozen and this kiss was fire roaring through her veins, banishing the chill cold she'd learned to live with. 

When he pulled back, eyes wide in shock though with something else moving inside them, she felt that chill start to work its way back inside. 

She didn't like the feeling. 

"Caitlin, I'm sorry," he began and she didn't let him finish, didn't let herself think, just shook her head and pulled him close again. 

"I'm not."

*

The first time they fought, it was Joe's fault. All of it. 

He was the one who strode into STAR Labs, Caitlin's place of work, practically her home, and start throwing around insults and accusations. Oh, Caitlin knew why he was doing it, but she was used to the Joe that she'd come to know over so many weeks of sitting at Barry's bedside, the kind, caring, funny man she'd shared so many cups of coffee with. He wasn't this angry person, finger jabbing, voice fraught, ready to jump at anyone who might disagree with him. 

"Don't look at me," she told him, standing in the middle of the lab and she knew that Cisco was looking at her strangely; it had been a long time since he'd heard her talk like that. "I'm on your side." 

They hadn't reached any real conclusion, not then, not with Barry just as angry as Joe and hours later Caitlin was still on edge, still grinding her teeth, rehearsing a thousand things she might say when she saw Joe again. 

As it turned out, he was the one who spoke first. 

"I owe you an apology."

Standing in the doorway of the lab, Joe sounded contrite, and when Caitlin turned to face him, he looked it too, hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped. He was still able to look her in the eye though, met her gaze evenly and Caitlin crossed her arms over her chest, narrowed her eyes at him. "You're damn right you do."

Joe sucked in his breath sharply, blinked once. "Caitlin... You have to understand..."

"That Barry's your kid? That you don't want to lose him when you've only just got him back?" He blinked again, a flash of surprise crossing his face and Caitlin would have laughed if she hadn't found it just the tiniest bit insulting. "Joe, I saw you almost every day for nine months, sitting by his bed, waiting for him to wake up. Do you really think you have to tell me how you feel?" 

He did look down at that. "Guess not." 

Caitlin sighed, pressing her lips together. "The things Barry can do... Joe, they are amazing. But there's so much we don't know about the how and the why, the effects on him... And I'm in the lab every day trying to put the brakes on and it's exhausting." Most of the time, she was the lone dissenting voice as Cisco, Barry and Doctor Wells seemed determined to run before they walked and until right now, she hadn't realised how tired she was of it. 

"Guess you really are on my side." Some time during her speech, Joe had crossed the room to stand in front of her. He reached out carefully now, took her hand in his gently, like he was afraid she was going to snatch it back or worse. Hearing her own words repeated back to her made her relax, if only a little - it was nice to know that someone heard her. 

She looked up at him, twisting her hand in his so that their fingers were laced together. That same unfamiliar feeling began to unfurl in her stomach, that feeling that made her want to smile at him, lean against him and press her body against his. Considering it had only been a few days since their first kiss, considering they hadn't even had what you could call a proper date yet, the intensity of it took her by surprise. She'd spent the last few days trying to tell herself that it just felt like that because she'd spent the last nine months trying to avoid feeling anything at all, that all her buried emotions were coming out at once. 

She knew she was lying to herself though, and that scared her more than anything she'd seen Barry do in the last few days. 

"I don't want anything to happen to him either," she told Joe quietly and his fingers pressed against hers, a firm gentle pressure that made her mind wander elsewhere. "None of us do. We're just trying to figure this out... and I know you're scared. I'm scared too. But we'll get there. In time." She took half a step closer to him, wanting nothing more than to lay her head on his shoulder. Only the knowledge that they were in STAR Labs, that Cisco or Dr Wells or Barry could walk in at any time stopped her. 

Joe's eyes were dark and serious as he nodded, his free hand finding her hip, sliding around to the small of her back. "I'm trying to figure out a lot of things," he said, voice low and gruff. Shivers raced up and down her spine because just like that, they weren't talking about Barry any more. The ring on her finger felt very heavy all of a sudden, and she fancied the one on his did too. 

"Me too." She couldn't look in his eyes, the floor seeming like a safer bet and she felt as well as heard him take a deep breath. 

"So... how about I buy you dinner?" Her head jerked up of its own volition and he lifted his eyebrows to go along with the question. "Part apology for the way I acted."

"Only part?" She tilted her head, a smile coming to her lips. 

"The rest is us... figuring stuff out. If you want to." 

Caitlin took a deep breath, closed her eyes. When she opened them again, he looked worried, less so when she reached up, touched his cheek. "I'd like that."

*

The first time that Joe saw Caitlin scared was when he was lying in a hospital bed. 

If he had his druthers, he wouldn't have been there at all, he'd have been home in his own bed, or at least on his own couch, recuperating in front of a baseball game, beer in hand. OK, so maybe Iris would have nixed the beer, but a man could dream. As it was, the doctors had refused to release him and deep inside, he knew it was a bad idea to sign himself out against medical advice. Iris had agreed, begged him to stay in for observation for just one night and he didn't think it was entirely because she thought he'd shoot Eddie if he got out of bed and got access to his gun. Iris and Eddie had left together - and no, he was not going to think too much about that - and Barry had stayed for a while before Joe had convinced him that he'd be fine, that he should go back to Iron Heights and see Henry, reassure his father that both Joe and Barry were ok. The kid hadn't taken much convincing, promising Joe that he'd be back first thing in the morning and Joe had settled back against the pillows, closing his eyes to try to get some rest. 

That was the plan. 

Right up until he heard the click clack of a pair of heels enter the room, accompanied by a familiar scent of perfume. He knew both the gait and the scent and he opened his eyes to  see Caitlin standing at the end of his bed. "Hey," she said, and her voice was soft and shaking. "I didn't mean to wake you... I can go..."

"No." He held his hand out to her, not sure if he meant for her to take it. When she didn't make any moves towards him, he turned the gesture into a beckon. "Stay... please."

She nodded, lips pressed together in a thin line but she still didn't come any closer. Instead she pivoted slightly, picked his chart up from the hanger at the end of the bed and ran her eyes over it. Her forehead was creased in a frown and Joe squinted as he looked at her, the better to make her out. The pallor of her cheeks couldn't simply be explained away by the horrible florescent hospital lighting and he was sure that her eyes were a little more red than they normally would be. Her hand was shaking as it held his chart, a fact that was made obvious by the clatter as she placed it back on its hanger and there were two bright spots of red on her cheeks when she turned back to him. 

"So, what's the verdict, Doc?" he asked, keeping his voice light, not knowing which card to play and hoping this was the right one. "Will I live?"

From the look that crossed Caitlin's face, not only was that the wrong card to play, but the answer could imminently be in the negative, no matter what the chart said. "You inhaled hydrogen cyanide," she reminded him, every word a bullet. "You're lucky... if we hadn't analysed... if Barry hadn't got to the prison in time..."

"Hey, hey..." Joe held out his hand again and this time he was sure that he wanted her to take it. She stared at him for what seemed like a very long time before he saw her visibly deflate, take a step towards him and lay her hand in his. He closed his fingers around hers in a fist, held it tightly. "It's ok," he told her. "I'm fine."

Caitlin looked up the ceiling, shaking her head as she chuckled mirthlessly. "We've got to stop meeting at hospital beds."

"No argument here." He squeezed her fingers again, tugged at her hand and this time she went, sitting down on the bed beside him. This close, he took both her hands in his, moved his head so that he could look into her eyes. "I'm going to be fine," he told her. "They're just keeping me in overnight as a precaution. Barry and Iris were both here earlier... he's gone back to the prison to see his dad, Iris has gone home with Eddie." He couldn't keep his lips from twisting over the name and Caitlin frowned, instantly on alert. 

"What?"

The sudden panic in her voice made him realise what that face must have looked like and he shook his head. "Eddie is my partner. He's also Iris's boyfriend." Caitlin's lips moved into a perfect little O of surprise. If it had been any other news that made her make that face, Joe would have found it a whole lot cuter. "Which I've known they were keeping from me for a while now... they finally decided to tell me tonight... guess they figured I was in the right place if I had a bad reaction." 

There was the tiniest giggle from Caitlin, which almost made the whole thing worthwhile. "Thoughtful."

Joe shrugged. "It's how I raised her." One hand tightened on hers, the other slid up her arm, coming to rest at her elbow. "You ok?" She looked down, long hair falling in front of her face and his fingers itched to push it back. Instead he settled for a joke. "Because you look almost as bad as I feel... you could almost be in the bed beside me."

It took a minute for the double meaning to sink in and when it did, her cheeks flushed scarlet. Her lips, though, curved up in a smile and her eyes brightened right along with it. "You wish."

As a matter of fact he did, but that was neither here nor there at the moment. He tilted his head, part acknowledgment, part question. "Seriously. You need to talk?"

She picked at the bed covers with the hand not holding his. "Aren't I supposed to be seeing how you are?"

"It's a mutual thing," he countered.  "'Fess up."

Caitlin was quiet for a moment, biting her bottom lip. Joe had been in enough interrogation rooms to know how this worked, so he settled back against his pillows and waited. "It's just... I've been on edge... Cisco and Dr Wells are trying to make the pipeline into this meta human prison... and every time I think about that place..." A shudder wracked her body and Joe remembered another conversation, another hospital bed, another patient. 

"You're thinking of how Ronnie died."

Pressing her lips together, she nodded. "I can't stop remembering... I've even been dreaming about it." Which had the shadows under her eyes making a lot more sense. "And then we figured out how Nimbus was poisoning people... and I saw your name as lead detective on the case..." There was another shudder and her hand squeezed his; he didn't think she was even aware of it. "I thought..."

He knew what she'd thought, didn't need to hear her say it. "But I'm fine," he told her again. "You saved me... you and Barry and everyone else. It's over."

"Until the next time." From the way she bit her lip, he had a feeling she hadn't meant to say that. "I didn't mean it like that," she hastily amended. "Not because you're a cop... but these meta humans..."

"Are not a regular day on the beat," Joe finished and it was almost comical how relieved she looked. Almost, because Joe didn't feel like laughing. "Caitlin," he said slowly, "if you want to walk away from this..." Not that they'd exactly defined whatever "this" might be, but from the first kiss, he'd known it was something. 

"No." He was surprised at how quickly she replied, how surprised she sounded. Surprised but pleased. "No," she said again and she shook her head. "I don't know if I know what I want... But not that." 

"Well then..." He reached up, touched her cheek gently. "That's a good start." 

*

The first time Joe realised that Iris knew about his relationship with Caitlin was when they bumped into one another at Jitters. 

He and Caitlin had arranged to meet there during their lunch hours and because Joe was not an idiot and hadn't had The Talk with his daughter yet, he'd made sure that she wasn't working that shift. Unfortunately, it turned out that his daughter really liked Jitters because he and Caitlin weren't any more than halfway through their cups of coffee when Barry's voice sounded beside them, Iris standing beside him. 

"Are you kidding me?" he asked, indignation clear in his voice and Joe blinked in surprise. On the other side of the table, Caitlin visibly blanched and he couldn't blame her - he'd expected both Barry and Iris to be surprised, maybe a little perturbed by the age difference, but certainly not as upset as Barry sounded. 

"Barry-" Joe began, holding out a hand but Barry cut him off. 

"Joe, I keep telling you, and you, Caitlin, that I am fine." As if something occurred to him, he glanced at Iris and Joe could almost see him rewriting his speech. "I'm not feeling any side effects and you two meeting up in secret to compare notes on me is really a little insulting. Not to mention incredibly underhand."

Caitlin's jaw had dropped somewhere in the middle of that, Joe's not far behind. "Barry-" he began again but he was interrupted again, this time by Iris. 

"Barry, I hate to break it to you?" she said, sliding her hand into the crook of his arm. "But I don't think they're meeting up to talk about you." There was a knowing smile on her face as she looked up at him, one that only widened as she glanced pointedly between Joe and Caitlin. 

Barry blinked. "What do you-?" Iris gave him a look, the same 'seriously?' look Joe had seen her giving him over the years, ever since he first moved into the West house and the penny finally dropped. "Oh." He glanced between Joe and Caitlin, then back to Iris. "OH."

"Yeah." Iris clapped him on the shoulder, shook her head fondly. "We'll leave you guys alone," she told them as she propelled Barry to the other side of the coffee shop, not before kissing Joe on the cheek and nodding at Caitlin. "See you later."

Feeling as if he'd been punched in the chest, Joe watched her as she propelled a stunned looking Barry to a table out of his line of sight. When he turned his gaze back to Caitlin, she looked as surprised as he felt. "Did you-?" she began and he shook his head - having that conversation with Iris was something he'd have run by her first. 

"Not a word," he told her, running a hand over his lips. 

There was an impish twitch to Caitlin's lips as she raised her coffee cup. "Guess she inherited some of your detective skills."

Joe didn't know whether to be impressed or worried. 

He did have The Talk with Iris that evening though, and when he asked her how she'd known, she'd actually rolled her eyes at him. "I noticed it ages ago," she told him. "Before Barry woke up." 

Joe frowned. "We only started seeing one another after that."

Iris gave him the "seriously?" look she usually kept for Barry. "And all those bedside conversations over cups of coffee that I kept walking into, or away from, what were they?" He blinked and she pressed her advantage. "And those few days she and Cisco were  away for their research trip and you were like a bear with a sore paw the whole time?"

"I was not!" 

Iris chuckled, wrinkled her nose. "You kinda were, Dad." She sighed, laid her hand on his arm. "Look, I get it, ok? You weren't going to tell me until you knew where things stood with you two. I get that. I really get that, remember?" She said it with a giggle and for the first time in a while, the idea of her and his partner together didn't make him want to reach for his gun.

"And you're not... I mean, there's the age thing..."

Joe stumbled over the words, not really sure how to phrase it but Iris simply shook her head, waved her hand dismissively. "Dad, if she makes you happy, I'm happy. It really is as simple as that."

Joe couldn't quite believe that, but when she wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek, he decided to try. 

*

The first time Caitlin talked to Iris after she'd found out, she would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that she'd never been more nervous for anything in her life. 

Iris had been the one who had initiated contact, through Joe at first, asking him to pass along her cell phone number to Caitlin, or asking him to ask Caitlin's permission to pass her number to Iris. That much done, she'd texted Caitlin, suggesting they meet for lunch. The invitation was ended with a smiley face emoticon and the meeting place was Jitters, so Caitlin figured she'd be safe enough; after all, Iris wasn't going to make a scene at her place of work. Still, she was nervous, changed her mind on what outfit to wear more than half a dozen times and  she had the feeling Joe would have been telling her to calm down if he wasn't obviously nervous himself. 

They exchanged small talk first, about the weather, what wasgood on the menu. When their coffees arrived and their food order was taken, Iris looked down at the table briefly, then looked up and smiled. "You're probably wondering why I asked to meet you," she said and Caitlin tried not to look startled. 

"I thought it was for lunch," she parried weakly and Iris grinned. 

"No offence, Caitlin, but you've got a pretty bad poker face," she said and Caitlin grimaced, having heard that before. "I just felt like, you know, if you're going to be seeing my dad, we should at least make an effort to get along. I mean, not that we don't get along, but..."

"We never got a chance to talk properly," Caitlin nodded, remembering all the times they'd exchanged hellos with each other at Barry's bedside, each too caught up in their own pain to strike up a conversation. She wondered, briefly, what had been so different about Joe before Iris's words brought her back to the present. 

"Exactly. And I think my dad's a bit..." She narrowed her eyes, cast about for the word. "It's just... It's been the three of us for a really long time. Which suited me, I'm not going to lie. At first, when I was a kid, it was like, 'Replace my mom? You can't do that!' And then I was a teenager and it was, 'Dating? Gross, you're old!'" She scrunched up her face, raising her voice several octaves in illustration. "And now I'm twenty five and old enough to know that I just want him to be happy. Whoever that's with." 

On the surface, it was exactly what Caitlin wanted to hear. Underneath though, she heard the question. "Iris, are you asking me what my intentions towards your father are?"

Iris didn't blink, but she did smile and nod. "I am."

Caitlin sucked in a deep breath, let it out slowly, momentarily at a loss for what to say. The fact of the matter was, she hadn't even had that conversation with Joe yet, had barely begun to formulate a label for their relationship in her own mind, let alone be able to explain it to someone else. Especially when the someone else was Joe's daughter. What she came out with, then, turned to be the truth. 

"I was engaged," she said and Iris's eyes widened. "My fiancé... Ronnie... he died when the particle accelerator exploded." She didn't go into any of the details, knowing that this wasn't the time or the place. 

"I'm so sorry, Caitlin."

Caitlin gave Iris a small, tight smile. "For the longest time, I felt like I'd died that night too. I was so alone... so cold." She shook her head, a shiver running through her. "Then Dr Wells brought Barry to STAR Labs. And I remember thinking how great it was that there was someone hurt in the explosion that we might be able to save. I spent a lot of time in the lab, I didn't want to go home, and that's how Joe and I got to know one another."

"Bonding over cups of coffee." Iris held up her mug in salute and Caitlin smiled, more genuine this time, knowing that Iris had seen them on more than one occasion. 

"He makes me happy, Iris," Caitlin admitted. "I didn't even realise it at first, because I hadn't felt that way in months... and I don't know what it means, what the long term is for us. I don't know that he does either. But I think that whatever we have... it's a good start."

Iris studied her for a long moment and Caitlin knew when she'd made up her mind by the change to the set of her jaw, by the lightening of the frown around her eyes - she'd seen that exact look on Joe's face more times than she cared to count. 

"I'll drink to that," Iris said, holding up her mug and Caitlin clinked hers against it. 

Just like that, Caitlin knew things were going to be fine. 

*

The first time that Caitlin stayed the night at the West house, it was nearly Christmas, the night that Joe invited everyone over to witness the tree lights being switched on. They were the last two left in the living room after everyone else had left, Iris and Eddie to his, soon to be their, place, Barry and Cisco to some bar that Cisco was insisting Barry needed to go to so that he could cheer himself up over the fact that Eddie and Iris were moving in together. 

Joe didn't want to spend too much time thinking about that, though, and not for the usual reasons he didn't want to think about his daughter and his partner dating each other. 

Not when Caitlin was sitting on his couch, staring into the fire with a serious expression on her face. Sitting down beside her, he reached out, took her hand in his. "Penny for your thoughts."

He kept his voice gentle because he had the feeling that anything he said could so easily be the wrong thing. When Caitlin shook her head, laughed without humour, he didn't know whether that was a good or bad sign. "I don't know what I'm thinking," she whispered. 

Joe swallowed hard, increased the pressure of his fingers on hers. "What can I do?"

There was another one of those humourless laughs. "There's nothing you can do... nothing anyone can do." She reached up with her free hand, squeezing the bridge of her nose.  Her face was a mask of frustration. "I buried Ronnie... cried for him, mourned for him... I thought my life was over when he died. And then I met you." Tears shone in her eyes but there was a smile on her lips. He matched it with one of his own, with another squeeze of her hand. "And now I find out that he's alive... but he's not my Ronnie any more. He can't be, I mean after a year... Seeing him like that..." 

The tears fall then and it would take a stronger man than he is not to pull her into his arms, rest his chin on the top of her head. He expects her to resist but she doesn't, goes willingly, her fingers fisting in the material of his shirt, her tears dampening it. His hand moved over her hair, smoothing it back gently, but he didn't  say a word. He just let her cry. 

He didn't know how long it was before she straightened up, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "He told me," she said, "not to look for him."

Joe frowned. "You gonna be able to do that?" Because from what he knew of Caitlin, that hardly seemed likely. 

When she bit her lip, looked down, he knew he'd guessed right. 

The next words out of his mouth surprised them both. "If you need any help..."

Caitlin's jaw went slack. "You'd do that?"

Joe took a deep breath, let it out slowly as he slid his hand over hers, lacing their fingers together. "Caitlin, I know you," he said eventually. "You're not going to have any peace until you find out what happened to Ronnie. Until you find out if you can help him. I've got over twenty years experience of finding people who don't necessarily want to be found." Another deep breath. "So yes... I will help you. If that's what you want."

"Even if..." Caitlin bit her lip again, as if to keep the words in, but she didn't have to say them. He knew all too well that the offer he was making could cost him their relationship. 

But he'd already had one relationship based on lies and half truths. He didn't want that again. 

"I want you to be happy, Caitlin," he said, and he meant it.  "Whatever that takes."

She ducked her head, her hair covering her face and for the long moment that he couldn't see her, he regretted his decision. Then she looked up at him, a soft smile on her lips and said, "You're a good man, Joe West."

The phrase made him chuckle. "Yeah, me and Charlie Brown." Her smile widened and she leaned forward, pressed her lips against his gently. When she pulled back, she was still smiling and she stood up, tugging his hand. He took the hint, stood with her, his free hand resting on her hip, staring down at her, wondering where she was going with this. 

The words, "Can I stay tonight?" sent a jolt of desire rushing through him, one that he tempered quickly. 

"Caitlin, you don't have to-"

"I know." Her cheeks were bright pink and growing darker. "But I really don't want to be alone tonight."

She held his gaze, and hers was strong and true, unwavering. In the end, that was what decided him and he nodded, bringing their joined hands to his lips before leading her up the stairs. 

Even with everything that had happened that day - Ronnie, the man in yellow, Iris agreeing to move in with Eddie - he had the best night's sleep he'd had in a very long time. 

 

*

The first time that Joe realised he was in love with Caitlin was not long after he arrived at a crime scene and found her car - that little green Beetle that he could barely sit in without having his knees up to his chin - covered in frost. He knew what that meant straight away, knew that Snart had her, was using her to get to The Flash, and the thought of what he might do to her made his blood, no pun intended, run cold. 

The cold turned to an icy determination when he saw her face on the television screen in headquarters. He could see fear in her eyes, sure, but what he mostly saw was defiance, anger. He heard it in her voice too, when she was shouting at Barry, telling him not to worry about her, not to do what Snart was telling him and even though part of him wanted to tell her to be quiet, that she wasn't helping herself, a larger part of him was proud of her. 

He wasn't the only one who noticed that either, and Eddie made sure he knew it when they were gearing up to go out on the streets. "So, when we get Caitlin back?" he began, and his use of the word "when" sent him up a few notches in Joe's book. "Remind me never to piss her off." He grinned at Joe. "She's scrappy."

The notion that if Caitlin ever heard him say that, he'd find out just how scrappy she could be crossed Joe's mind but he didn't voice it. Eddie was trying to make him feel better, trying to reassure him, he had to give him that. "That whole demure scientist thing had you fooled, huh?" Joe shook his head. "Trust me... Snart bit off more than he could chew there." 

A firm nod was Eddie's answer and Joe replied in kind as they headed out of the precinct. 

Eddie and the rest of the guys headed off to back up Barry, meanwhile Joe and Cisco went to track down Caitlin. It went better than Joe could have anticipated, right up to the moment where Cisco, upon seeing Caitlin, made a beeline for her. 

It only took a split second for Joe to see the shake of her head, the terror in her eyes and then he was moving before the words "trip wire" had even formed in his brain. By the time he registered that the bomb had in fact exploded, he was lying on the ground, Caitlin half underneath him and she was trembling from head to foot. 

He got her sitting up, started working on untying her as Cisco joined them and his hands shook a little more as he heard her say, "I thought I was going to die."

"Not as long as I'm around." Cisco took the words right out of his mouth and when Joe stared at him, he hastily tacked on, "And he had something to do with it too." 

Caitlin laughed, breathless and relieved, fell into Cisco's arms and Joe tried to pretend he wasn't a little bit jealous. 

Then Caitlin straightened up, turned away from Cisco and looked right into Joe's eyes. That moment of contact was all it took for her eyes to fill with tears, for her to press her lips together in a thin line that didn't even come close to stopping them wobbling. Just like that, Joe knew there was only one thing he had to do. "C'mere," he said and she walked into his arms without missing a beat, slipping her arms around his waist and burying her head in his chest. The low sob that tore itself from her throat was easily the worst thing he'd heard all day and he stroked her hair as she whispered to her that she was all right, that she was safe now, that nothing was going to happen to her. 

"I'll just... I'll be in the car." He was dimly aware of Cisco taking his leave, didn't say anything to the other man, just let him go, focussing all his attention on Caitlin. 

But even then, he classified the emotion as relief. 

Until later that night, when the dust had settled and Barry was back at STAR Labs with Cisco and Caitlin was in the precinct, having been checked there by a medic - she'd refused to go to the hospital - before she gave a statement. Said statement was taken by David Singh, which was so far under his pay grade it was ridiculous, but for obvious reasons Joe couldn't do it, and Eddie was out for similar cause. David hadn't blinked as he'd ushered Caitlin into his office and reached for a pad and pen, also hadn't batted an eyelash when Joe closed the door behind him and stood in front of it just visible to Caitlin out of the corner of her eyes. Crossing his arms, he listened in silence to every word, not saying anything, not going to her even when every cell in his body was crying out to. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done and he was grateful when David was finished and he stood up, putting the pad into his briefcase. "I'll input this at home," he said. "See you tomorrow."

Joe nodded, waited until the door closed behind David before turning to Caitlin. She was already on her feet, face pale and drawn, eyes red from tears she was refusing to let fall. She was already moving towards him and he acted on instinct, meeting her halfway, cupping her face in his hands and drawing her to him. It was a kiss unlike any they'd shared up to now, this one born of passion mixed with relief and fear and the knowledge that things could so easily have worked out differently. Joe was the one to pull back, only because he knew that if he didn't, he'd end up doing something that he would not regret at all, and the Captain's office was hardly the place for that. Resting his forehead against Caitlin's, he took a deep breath as he looked into her eyes, her pupils wide and dilated, her breath coming in short gasps. Her hands were in fists against his shirt, her knuckles white and her voice shook as she whispered, "Take me home." 

A rush of desire, powerful and intense, swept through him and he heard himself whisper, "Caitlin..."

"Joe," she whispered, her eyes closing as she laid her head on his chest and that was all she had to say. 

"Let's go."

He probably drove faster than he really should have but he got them back to his place, relieved to see the place in darkness, the driveway empty of Iris's car. The look that Eddie gave them as they left the precinct made a lot more sense suddenly and he thought that his partner really wasn't all that bad. 

Then Caitlin's hand slipped into his and he looked into her eyes and he stopped thinking altogether. 

Any second he wasn't touching her suddenly felt like a second wasted; even unlocking and locking the front door in record time was too long away from her. They kissed their way up the stairs, into his room, onto his bed and it was a long, long time before they paused for breath, for air, for anything but each other. 

Hours later, breathless, bodies wrapped together, he looked down at her, saw her smiling up at him, her eyes shining, cheeks flushed and that was the moment that the events of the day caught up with him and he knew that he never wanted to lose her. 

Just like he knew for the first time that he'd fallen in love with her. 

 

*

The first time that Joe nearly lost his temper in STAR Labs that had nothing to do with Barry was when Hartley Rathaway  was in the middle of his first encounter with the Flash and his team. Caitlin was, as always, the first person Joe looked for when he walked into the cortex and when he saw the livid bruise on her cheek, he was there beside her in an instant. 

"It looks worse than it is," she told him as he took her chin in his hand, tilting her head so that he could see the mark better, wincing when he did. No matter what she was telling him, he'd been on the receiving end of enough punches to know that this one would have hurt like a son of a bitch.

"What happened?" He didn't  call her out on the obvious lie, not in front of her colleagues. They could have a conversation about how she really felt later on when it was just the two of them. 

"Rathaway." Cisco growled the name and Joe looked at him sharply. 

"I thought-"

"He escaped." Caitlin cut him off, not so much with her voice and words, more with her hand coming up to close over his wrist. She didn't  make any moves to dislodge his hand from her chin and the look in her eyes, the look that only he could see, told him loud and clear to stop talking. "He hacked Doctor Wells's files... we think he's going after Barry." Her hand slid down from his wrist to his elbow while his moved from her chin to her cheek. 

She'd picked the only card in the world she could have played that would make him leave her right then. 

But not without one more assurance. 

"You're ok?"

His thumb swept up and down her skin and she gave him one of those smiles that seemed to light up her whole face. "You can kiss me better later," she told him and he was only dimly aware of Cisco rolling his eyes and making a disgusted sound as he turned away.  

"Count on it," he promising, giving her a brief down payment before he went on his way. 

*

The first time that Caitlin saw Ronnie again - really Ronnie, properly Ronnie, the man she thought she'd lost, not once but twice now - was the closest she'd ever come to fainting dead away in the halls of STAR Labs. 

"Cait..." He reached for her, a smile on his face that would have broken her heart if it wasn't already shattered into a million pieces and tears, not the happy kind, flooded her eyes. She stepped away from him and looked down, but not before she saw the mask of hurt and confusion settle over his face. "Cait?"

Cisco cleared his throat. "We'll let you two talk," he said and when Caitlin looked up, Barry's head was nodding rapidly. 

"Come on, Doctor Stein," he said, extending his hand to the older man. "Let's get you to the cortex."

And then they were alone, just the two of them and if seconds before she couldn't look at him, now she couldn't look away. 

It was him, the way he was in her dreams. Hale and hearty and whole, the man she'd promised to spend the rest of her life with. The man she'd grieved for, the man she'd mourned, the man she'd resigned herself to never seeing again. 

She'd imagined this moment so many times, imagined throwing herself into his arms, kissing him until neither of them could breathe, promising him she'd never let him go again. 

But there was none of that and she realised with a shock that she knew  why. Because even if Ronnie was back, even if he still was the man he used to be (though after a year, she thought, how could he be?) , it didn't matter. 

Because she wasn't the same woman any more. 

"Cait?" He spoke first, pain and confusion warring in his voice. "It's me... Ronnie."

She nodded, the movement jarring loose the first of her tears. "I know," she whispered, pressing her lips together and fighting for control. Once the battle was, however marginally, won, she did her best to give him a smile. "I'm really glad you're ok, Ronnie."

He frowned. "Is that why you won't touch me?" The words hit a nerve and she glanced down, just for a moment. It must have been moment enough though because when she looked back  up, his eyes were wide. Too late she remembered what she'd always been told - every emotion she ever had showed clearly on her face. "Is there someone else?"

She swallowed hard. "Ronnie, I never meant..."

"Stop." He held up a hand, raised it to his face when the other one joined it, sliding over his mouth joined as if in prayer. "I don't know if I want to hear this."

"You were dead." It was all he gave her a chance to get out. 

"And now I'm not." His jaw was set firm and she shuddered, because he'd never looked at her like that in all the time she'd known him. "We should get to the lab... I'm sure there are tests Doctor Wells will want to run."

He didn't  let her say anything else, strode past her without touching her, his footsteps echoing along the empty hallway. 

Taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly before she moved, Caitlin followed him. 

*

The first time that Caitlin introduced Joe to Ronnie, it was exactly as awkward as she'd ever imagined it would be. Not that there was ever an easy way to introduce one's presumed dead fiancé to one's new boyfriend, but showing up at Joe's house at Barry's behest, with Ronnie in tow and a phalanx of government agents on their tail was definitely not it. 

"Ronnie?" Joe's face went slack with shock and he looked from Ronnie to Caitlin as if looking for confirmation. 

"The presumed dead fiancé." Ronnie's voice was terse and not for the first time, Caitlin regretted not being able to tell him just what her relationship with Joe was. She'd been working up to it in the coffee shop, but a troupe of soldiers laying waste to the place hadn't exactly been helpful, and once they'd got back to STAR Labs, Barry had been so eager to get them both to safety, he hadn't left them alone for a minute and that was not a conversation Caitlin wanted to have with an audience. 

She flashed Joe a tight smile of her own, saw a thin frown form between his eyes. He covered it quickly though, simply nodding once. "Beer?" he asked Ronnie, who nodded quickly and though she wasn't a big beer drinker, Caitlin considered asking for one too. She thought she might need it. 

Except that that was just the exact moment that the door opened and Iris walked in, arms laden with groceries and Caitlin realised instantly that in all the excitement she hadn't realised today was Tuesday. The day that Iris came over and cooked for everyone. Which seemed to have slipped everyone else's minds too, if the response Iris got was any indication but she rolled with it easily, smiling at Caitlin, frowning at Ronnie. "Hey, I'm Iris," she said, the "Who are you?" clearly unspoken at the end of the greeting. 

"This is Caitlin's cousin," Barry said quickly. "Steve. From Coast City."

Iris's whole face brightened, a smile spreading across it as she looked from Ronnie to Caitlin to Joe. "It's nice to meet you," she said. "Good job I brought plenty of food." She tilted her head. "You're both staying for dinner, right? Although-" She shot an amused glare in Caitlin's direction. "If I'd known we were meeting your family I might have made more of an effort." 

It was the kind of easy joke that had become common between them in the last few months, the kind that Caitlin knew usually made Joe smile, glad that the two of them were getting on. Now, though, Joe's smile was tight, while Ronnie just frowned, looking between them, a look on his face that Caitlin knew all too well. 

"Are you staying here?" Iris couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice as she spied the bag at Ronnie's feet and Caitlin heard her own reply before she'd even thought consciously about what she was going to say. 

"There's a gas leak at my apartment building," she said and Iris made an alarmed face. "It's nothing... We're just taking precautions." 

"Well, I guess it's not like you don't stay here most nights anyway," Iris reminded her and it was probably a good thing that she'd stepped past Ronnie on her way to the kitchen. Any colour that had been on his cheeks slowly leeched out as her words, the whole scenario, registered with him and he looked at Caitlin with an expression of shock on his face. 

Caitlin waited until Iris had gone into the kitchen, propelled by Barry, to speak. "Ronnie..." she began, acutely aware of Joe stepping up beside her. "I wanted to tell you..."

"Him?" Ronnie kept his voice low but Caitlin could hear the effort it cost him. 

"Why don't we go upstairs? Iris's old room?" Caitlin turned to Joe, gave him what she hoped was a pleading look and he nodded once. The slight frown she'd noticed earlier had deepened and she tried to smile. "It'll be fine," she whispered, wanting to reach out to him, take his hand but knowing that, as far at least as far as Ronnie was concerned, that would be the wrong thing to do. 

"I'll be right here," Joe promised as she made for the stairs, Ronnie right behind her. 

He waited until they were in the bedroom, door closed and his overnight bag on the floor beside the bed that he spoke again, hands on his hips, brow creased in a frown. "Seriously, Cait?" 

"I know this is a surprise..." she began but he didn't let her finish. 

"When you told me there was someone else, I thought it was Barry. Hell, I would even have believed Cisco. But this guy?"

Caitlin tilted her head, feeling her hackles rising. "Joe's a good man," she told him and he laughed, harsh and bitter and so unlike the Ronnie she remembered it hurt. 

"He's old enough to be your father." He was hardly the first person to point that out and Caitlin simply shook her head, refusing to argue that particular point. "He's raised his family... is that what you want for the rest of your life? What about the plans we had, what about kids, what about..."

"We're not there yet." Caitlin cut across him. "And I don't know if we ever will be, before you say anything. But he is a good man and he makes me happy." She felt tears rising in her throat and she hated herself for it. "You were dead, Ronnie... there was no way you could have survived that explosion. I was so alone... so lonely. And Joe was in STAR Labs every night, visiting Barry... we got talking one night... and then every night, and before I knew it..." Her throat closed up and she swiped at her eyes impatiently. "I never meant for this to happen," she told him after a moment. "But it did, and I'm not going to apologise for trying to be happy again."

He stared at her for what seemed like a long time, pain written all over his face, before he turned away.  "I think I'd like to lie down now."

Knowing it for the dismissal it was, Caitlin left the room but she didn't go downstairs, not sure that she could put on a brave face for Iris just then. Instead, she went to Joe's room, closed the door firmly behind her and thanked her lucky stars that her shaking legs held her up for long enough that she could sink down on the bed. Covering her face with her hands, she took a deep breath but her eyes were strangely dry. 

To her complete non-surprise, she heard the door open, heard a familiar footfall. "You want me to leave you alone?" 

She lifted her head, half turned to see Joe standing halfway between her and the door. He looked more concerned than she'd seen him look in quite a while, and that included the time that she'd been taken hostage by Captain Cold. He was afraid, she realised; afraid for her, afraid for them, afraid of what Ronnie's return could mean. She knew that if she said the word, he'd turn around, leave her alone, no matter what it cost him personally to do so. Which had nothing to do with why she shook her head, said one word quietly. "No."

He was beside her in an instant, the bed dipping under his weight as he slid an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him. She collapsed against him willingly, closing her eyes as her arms encircled his waist. Her eyes closed as she felt him press a kiss to the top of her head and she breathed in deeply, knowing that this was the real reason she hadn't asked him to leave - a Joe West hug could calm her jitters like nothing else could. 

She didn't know how long they stayed like that before he spoke and she was more grateful than he would ever know that he didn't lead with a question. Instead she heard him say quietly,  "I know you're not ok... just tell me what I can do." 

She chuckled, lifted her head from his chest. "You're doing it," she told him, a small, easy smile coming to her lips as she looked into his eyes. 

He mustn't have believed her because his lips pursed. "I mean it, Caitlin... if you and Ronnie want time to work things out..."

He stopped talking when Caitlin's hand cupped his cheek, her thumb tracing up and down. "Joe, I'd be lying if I said I had all the right answers..." She bit her lip. "I don't know if I ever know all the right questions. But I do know that this... us... I don't want to lose that."

He held her gaze and she got the feeling he was looking for any flicker of doubt, of uncertainty. When he didn't find it, a smile broke over his face that was equal parts joy and relief. "Oh baby, I'm glad you said that," he said, pulling her into a tight embrace and once again, she went willingly, closing her eyes and holding on for all she was worth. 

*

The first time she said goodbye to Ronnie, it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. Standing in Martin Stein's living room, he looked at her and it was the first time since he'd come back that he looked at her and it was something like old times. And when he reached out to her, when he laid his hands on her shoulders, the look in his eyes was entirely that. It made her nervous suddenly, because she didn't feel like that any more and when he squeezed her shoulders, when he sighed, she felt like he could still read her like a book. "I haven't made this easy for you," he said quietly and she shook her head. 

"You've had a lot of adjusting to do," she said and a soft smile came to his lips. 

"Same old Cait," he murmured and this time, when she shook her head, her smile was sad. 

"No," she whispered and he closed his eyes, nodded his head once. 

"No," he agreed. He reached out again, ran one hand up and down her arm. "I get that. I do. I just wish..." His voice trailed off and Caitlin didn't - couldn't - reply to that. "Are you happy, Cait?"

She didn't have to think about her answer. "Yes." 

Ronnie nodded. "Then tell Joe that he'd better treat you right." He grinned that grin that used to make her go weak at the knees. "I'd hate to have to go all Firestorm on his ass." There was a twinkle in his eyes when he spoke that she used to love and between that and the mock threat, a laugh rose up in her throat. He laughed too, leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss over her cheek. "That's more like it," he told her. "I have missed that laugh." 

"When you were gone..." It was hard to get the words out but Caitlin persevered, because she wanted him to hear this, needed him to know it. "It was the worst pain that I've ever felt. There were times..." She had to swallow hard. "There were times I wanted to die too. I never thought..."

"I want what's best for you, Cait." Ronnie shrugged. "That's all I ever wanted." He grimaced. "Even if that's not me any more." He drew her into a hug then, wrapped his arms around her and she hugged him back, closed her eyes and silently said goodbye. 

Later, she knocked at Joe's door, smiled when he opened it looking like he wasn't long home from work, shirt untucked, tie gone. He looked tired too, but he smiled when he saw her. "I wasn't sure if I'd see you tonight," he said and she tilted her head, all but batting her eyelashes at him. 

"I want to be here," she said and it could have been her imagination but she was sure that some tension left his shoulders when he heard those words. "Besides, I believe Barry and Cisco are planning an epic 'Lord of the Rings' marathon... he wont be home for hours."

Joe's lips twitched. "That a fact?"

Caitlin pressed her lips together, looked down then back up through her lashes. "I may have suggested it to Cisco." 

That made him laugh out loud and he reached out, pulled her towards him. "Get in here," he said. 

She didn't have to be asked twice. 

*

Joe knew he'd seen Caitlin angry before. He'd even seen her angry with him. But the first time he saw her furious, face chalk white, eyes burning cold with fire, he realised that he was up against something that he'd never seen before. 

Not that he was surprised by her reaction, oh no. He hadn't been lying to Barry when he said that they had to be sure before they told Cisco or Caitlin about their suspicions of Harrison Wells. "You're telling me you don't trust them?" Barry's voice had rung loud with disbelief. "Joe, Caitlin spends most nights at our house, we've just about stopped being awkward with each other when we meet on the landing going for the bathroom in the morning... you're seriously telling me that you think she's working with Wells?"

"No." Joe hadn't had to think twice about his answer. "I trust Caitlin." Which was a big step for him, he knew. He'd spent some twenty years as a cop, he'd seen the worst of what humanity had to offer, sights that still haunted his dreams when they let him sleep at all. He wasn't a man to trust easily, didn't like to let his guard down, but somehow in the last few months, Caitlin had done what so few others had managed. 

"Then why..."

Barry had been mystified and Joe had chuckled without any real humour as he rubbed a hand over his face. "I trust Caitlin," he'd said again. "But you know her, Barry... that woman's got the worst poker face in the history of the free world." Barry had blinked, eyes widening, and Joe had waited until he saw the acknowledgement in his eyes. "She knows we suspect something about Wells, even if she disagrees with us, she's gonna have trouble looking him in the eye. If she agrees with us..."

"She'll never manage it." Barry had sighed, shaken his head. "OK... we'll play it your way."

And they had. Which led them to a dark night in Barry's lab at police headquarters, waiting for Cisco and Caitlin to show up. Barry was pacing nervously, while Joe had positioned himself in a seating position on the window ledge where he could see everything that was going on, could see Cisco and Caitlin clearly, gauge their reactions. He realised that that might have been a mistake when Caitlin walked in, Cisco at her side all enthusiastic about karaoke. Her eyes fell directly on Joe and the effect the sight of him had on her was instant and undeniable. Her eyes widened as a smile came across her face and if the phrase "her face lit up" was a cliché, then she was the truth of it, right then and there. The knowledge of it hit him hard : she was happy to see him, happy that he was there, excited that he might be crashing their karaoke party because she'd heard him singing absent mindedly around the house, had told him on more than one occasion that she wanted to hear him sing properly. She thought that tonight was going to be the night and instead, he was going to make her dreams crash and burn. 

In more ways than one, he felt. 

He let Barry do the talking, let him show them the board with everything they knew about his mother's murder. Then, after a pause, the board with everything they knew about Wells. 

"What does Doctor Wells have to do with the Reverse Flash?" Caitlin asked, and Joe's stomach flipped over as Barry answered.

"They're the same person."

"Doctor Wells, a speedster? He's paralysed." Caitlin's voice fairly dripped with disdain and Joe couldn't help himself. 

"Is he though?" he asked and Caitlin's eyes snapped over to him, narrowed to laser like precision and Joe knew right then that he was in for a world of trouble when she got him alone. 

"Cisco, tell them," she implored and then it was Cisco's turn to drop a bombshell of his own, about the dreams he'd been having, about Doctor Wells killing him. 

After that, the meeting had lapsed into shocked silence, broken only when Caitlin shook her head. "I can't listen to this," she said, turning on her heel and walking away from them. Barry and Cisco looked at Joe, but he was already moving, following her out. 

"Caitlin, wait."

She didn't stop moving though, heels click clacking on the tiled floor of the precinct as she moved down several flights of stairs faster than he'd ever seen her move. He knew better than to call after her, not wanting to make a scene in the middle of headquarters - he and Caitlin had already been the subject of several second glances and knowing stares and comments. Joe hadn't commented on it one way or the other, figuring that he'd been alone for a long time and that since several of his buddies in the precinct had tried and failed to set him up, that when he did get involved with someone, there was going to be talk. The fact that the someone he did end up getting involved with was part of the group of scientists that had destroyed a good chunk of the city, and was nearer to his kids' age than Joe's? That was grist enough to keep the rumour mill going for months. 

He caught up with her in the square outside the precinct, coming around in front of her and touching her elbow. "Caitlin, please."

"Please what?" She wrenched her arm free, glared up at him. "Please let me explain, Caitlin? Let me tell you why I've been lying to you for God knows how long?"

"It's not like that." He reached for her arm again, and once again she snatched it away from him. 

"How long have you been suspicious of Doctor Wells?" she demanded. "How long, Joe?"

Sighing, Joe pressed his lips together, looked up at the street lights. "Weeks," he finally admitted. "Months. Always. I tried to convince myself I was being stupid, being overly suspicious, but..."

"And when were you going to tell me?" Caitlin crossed her arms over her chest, narrowed her eyes. "Not about what you could prove, or what you couldn't prove. When were you going to tell _me_ what you thought? When were you going to trust _me_?"

"Caitlin, I do trust you..." His hands closed around her biceps, but in a loose hold, one she could easily break if she had a mind to. 

"But not enough." Her voice was curiously brittle, her eyes curiously bright and he hated, hated, that he was the one who'd hurt her. "I've watched you, Joe... watched you lie to Iris about Barry. And I've done it too, I've lied and misdirected... we've had girly lunches and movie nights and spa days because she wanted to get to know me because I was dating you.  I looked her in the eye and I lied to her over and over again because you asked me to. And I just kept telling myself... he won't lie to me. We don't have secrets." A tear broke loose, rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away impatiently. 

"You know it's not like that," he told her, stepping closer to her, pulling her closer against him. "Everything I have done, I have done to keep Iris safe... to keep you safe. If Wells is what we think he is..."

"He's not." At that, she broke his hold, taking one step back, then another, long curls swaying as she shook her head. "I have worked with him for over three years, I know him... I know he's not that person, Joe... because if he is, if he did what you say..." Her voice broke on a sob and he stepped closer to her, arms extended. "Don't," she said, holding up her hands, palms up as if to ward him off. "I  can't, Joe... not tonight."

Joe let his hands fall. "OK. OK." Jamming his hands into his pockets was the only way he could stop himself reaching for her. "But you have to know... Caitlin, I never meant to hurt you."

Another sob and she looked up to the night sky, tears now streaming down her cheeks. "I know," she said. "That's the worst part."

Turning on her heel once again, she hailed a cab. 

Letting her get into it was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. 

*

The first time that Caitlin really believed that Joe and Barry might be right about Doctor Wells was when she was standing in Barry's lab at police headquarters staring at a desiccated corpse that Cisco had discovered with his tachyon detector. Caitlin might not be a physicist, might not understand how the device worked,  not like Cisco did, but she'd taken enough science courses to follow along, and she knew that tachyons meant time travel and when Barry told her that the tests they had run meant that this body was definitely Wells, she knew that no matter how much she wanted it not to be true, she couldn't deny it any more. 

She stared down at the corpse, mind whirling and she was faintly aware of footsteps behind her, a presence she recognised as Joe. She pressed her lips together, afraid to look around, afraid she'd dissolve into tears in front of him and everyone and as if from very far away she heard Barry clear his throat. "Hey, Cisco, why don't we give these two a minute?" 

Cisco didn't argue and the two of them beat a hasty retreat, leaving her and Joe alone together. Slowly, she dragged her eyes from the corpse on the table, turned around to look up at him. "I guess I owe you an apology." Even to her own ears, her voice sounded brittle. 

Joe shook his head, eyes wide, spread his hands wide. "No, you don't. You were right... I should have told you sooner."

"Why?" A harsh laugh ripped itself out of Caitlin's throat. "I wouldn't have believed you... I didn't want to believe you." From the first time he'd said those words in this very room - the night she'd gone home and cried herself to sleep - to the Coast City pizza evening she'd left so suddenly, she hadn't wanted to entertain the possibility that he might be right. 

"I can't blame you for that." Joe's voice was very quiet. "You and Wells, you've been through a lot together."

Another laugh from Caitlin, this time softer, sadder. "You know, I said pretty much those exact words to Barry..." She moved away from him, away from the table with the corpse of a man mingled with the corpse of all her hopes and dreams. The lights of Central City twinkled merrily through the window and she moved over, rested her palms against the cool glass. "I told him that the nine months he was in that coma were the worst of my life... I'd lost Ronnie... My career, my reputation..." She turned, pulling herself up so that she was sitting on the window ledge and, after a moment's hesitation, he came up beside her, leaned back side by side with her. "You know, growing up, I was never one of the popular kids, never the prettiest..."

Joe leaned against her, bumped her shoulder with his. "I beg to differ." 

He was smiling, teasing, and to her surprise, she was able to return it, just a little. "That's not me fishing by the way.  But what I always was, was smart. I was going to have this amazing career... Nobel Prize, the whole nine yards. And I thought the work we were doing at STAR Labs was going to do that... I thought we were going to change the future, help people." She swallowed hard. "After the explosion... I didn't know who I was anymore. And the one person who was there for me, every step of the way, telling me things were going to be ok? Was Doctor Wells." 

"Caitlin..." Joe reached out, took her hand in his. She looked up at him but couldn't see the expression on his face clearly, because her eyes were full of tears. "You couldn't have known..."

"You knew."

"Because I'm a suspicious bastard who always sees the worst in people." The tears she'd been holding back slid down her cheeks and he reached up with his free hand to wipe them away. "You... and Barry and Cisco, you always see the best... It's one of the things I love about you."

He was so obviously sincere, his voice so tender, his touch so gentle that Caitlin reacted probably the exact opposite way to what was intended; instead of calming down, she burst into sobs. Her name left his lips like a sigh and he pulled her into his arms and for the first time in days that seemed like years, she went willingly. 

He held her until she stopped crying, or at least until her shoulders had stopped shaking. Pulling back, he cupped her face in his hands, wiped her tears with the pads of his thumbs. "You ok?" he asked and he must have realised what a redundant question that was because he pursed his lips. 

"Not really," she told him.  "But I will be."

His grin was bright, brilliant, warming her from the inside out. "That's my girl."

She slid her hands up his arms, let them curl around his shoulders. "I should probably get back to STAR Labs," she said, with some reluctance. All she really wanted to do was go home - to either of their homes - and sleep for a week. 

"Will you come over later?" Joe's hands moved from her cheeks to her shoulders, down her back before they came to rest on her hips. She bit her lip and nodded, her cheeks flushing pink as a breath of pure relief escaped his lungs. "I've missed you," he told her and she smiled, winding her arms around his neck, raising herself up on tiptoe.

"I've missed you too." 

*

"You're brooding."

It was the first time Caitlin had spoken since Cisco and Eddie left, since Barry took one look at the two of them, yawned over-theatrically and declared he was exhausted and going to bed. Her voice broke Joe out of his reverie and he blinked as he looked up at her. "Brooding? I'm not brooding."

She chuckled gently, shaking her head so that her hair swayed from side to side. For once, that action didn't make him want to run his fingers through it, and the absence of that impulse lead him to belatedly concede that she may have had a point. "I thought I was supposed to be the horrible liar." She ran her hands up and down her thighs, shifting on the couch as she rolled her shoulders. "At first I thought you were just mad that we went into the time vault..."

Joe bristled at the mere memory, lips pressing into a thin line. "I still say that was really stupid."

Caitlin held up her two hands, palms up, her eyes overly wide and innocent. "And I'm not going to disagree," she said. "Though it was worth the risk, for what we found out."

Joe made a tsking noise deep in his throat, realising as he did so that he hadn't heard that noise since he was a kid and his own father used it. The thought made him feel old and he pinched the bridge of his nose. "We'll see." 

Caitlin was silent for a moment, studying him before returning to her initial point. "Then I realised that I've seen you mad before. You get loud, you argue, you don't get quiet. So I know you're brooding." She stood up from the couch then and in a couple of steps she was standing in front of him. "Are you going to talk to me about it?" she said, extending a hand towards him. 

He didn't answer her at first, not in words anyway. Instead he reached out, took the hand she offered him and squeezed her fingers tightly. A small, almost sad smile came to her lips as she tilted her head and looked down at him. He tugged her hand gently and she got the hint, allowing him to guide her around and dropping down into his lap. He let go of her hand so that his arms could slide around her waist and he buried his head in the crook of her neck, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He felt her arms go around his neck, one moving up to cup the back of his head, her fingers moving over his hair. He leaned into her touch, resisting the urge to moan with difficulty. She might have known that too because he was sure he could feel her cheeks twitching with a smile. 

They sat there like that for a while before he lifted his head, looked in her eyes. "This is all my fault," he told her and she frowned, shaking her head in confusion. 

"I don't understand," she said. Her hands rested on his shoulders, squeezed gently. "Joe, there was nothing you could have done..."

She was right, she didn't understand, just not in the way she thought. "When Wells came to the hospital... when he first talked to me about Barry... He told me he could help him... save him. That the doctors in the hospital didn't understand, were useless..." Closing his eyes, he was back there in that corridor, watching the doctors work on Barry's lifeless body, stomach churning because he couldn't bear the thought of losing one of his kids. "I knew he was right... And I was so desperate to save Barry that I listened to him."

One of Caitlin's hands slid down his arm and she laced their fingers together. "You did what you thought was right."

"No." Joe could only whisper the word. "I didn't." Caitlin twisted her head, her eyes narrowing and he pressed on, forcing the words out before he changed his mind, pushed them back. "I didn't trust him... and not just because he blew up half the city. Caitlin. I've been a cop over twenty years... I like to think I can read people pretty well." He could see Wells, the look in his eyes, could hear his voice and his stomach turned all over again. "He was shady, Caitlin... and I knew it and I ignored it because of Barry." He pressed his lips together and she reached her hand up to cup his cheek. "I brought him into our lives." 

"Joe, you were trying to save your son," she reminded him. "There's nothing wrong with that." 

"There isn't?" Joe lifted one eyebrow. "Even after everything you know? Everything Wells did, the price you all paid?"

Caitlin was silent for a long moment and Joe's heart hammered in his chest. "I don't know," she said eventually, her thumb sweeping a path up and down his cheek. She bit her bottom lip, shrugged one shoulder and her eyes were suspiciously shiny when she said, "If Barry had never come to STAR Labs, you and I never would have met." Another shrug and she dipped her head, letting her forehead rest against his. "I don't know if that's the silver lining you're looking for... but it's something, right?" 

She sounded fearful, Joe realised, and she looked it too, her eyes wide, face drawn, like he was going to tell her it wasn't enough. That she wasn't enough. Which was so far from the truth as to be laughable, but Joe didn't feel like laughing. Reaching up, he cupped her face in both hands, the pads of his thumbs tracing a path along her cheek. "No," he told her, his voice low as he pulled her close. "It's everything." 

He kissed her then, gentle at first, his lips sliding over hers as her tears crept underneath his thumb. Then, as one hand moved down her neck to her shoulder, how tongue traced the seam of her lips and she tilted her head, her mouth opening underneath his with a sigh. 

He kissed her until he had to stop, until the need to find the nearest flat surface became overwhelming and when he pulled away, when he saw the look in her eyes, the smile on her face, the words he'd been thinking for months spilled from his lips. 

"I love you," he told her, without fanfare, without thought, and he didn't realise he was holding his breath until she smiled, touched his cheek. 

"I love you too," she whispered and the only thing he could think to do was kiss her again, so he did. 

*

"Are you brooding again?" 

Joe looked up when he heard Caitlin's voice behind him, turned his head to look at her as he smiled. "Nah," he said and he meant it too. "Just walking down memory lane." 

Caitlin tilted her head curiously, a grin coming to her face as she walked closer to the couch, saw the heavy book lying in his lap. "Kid photos of Iris and Barry?" At his nod, her grin widened. "You know Cisco would pay cash money for these." 

Against all odds, a laugh came to his lips. "Tempting as that is, I like my kids talking to me." Caitlin snickered, coming around the back of the couch and sitting down beside him, resting her head on his shoulder for a moment as she stared at the picture on the page, one of Barry and Iris and Joe one Christmas morning when they were about fourteen: Barry all arms and legs, Iris smiling close-mouthed to hide the braces she hated. The memory, one of so many, made him sigh and Caitlin's hand moved to his shoulder, then came to rest on the back of his neck. 

"I still think you're brooding," she said and he chuckled as he closed the book, placed it down on the coffee table. As he did so, she curled her legs up underneath her on the couch and when he leaned back, he rested his hand on one of her knees. 

"Maybe a little," he admitted. "I guess..." He sighed. "I guess I'm having more trouble with this whole ' going back in time' thing than I've let on."

"You're the dad," Caitlin reminded him. "That's what dads do... tell their kids it's going to be all right." Her hand closed over his, fingers squeezing tightly. "But you don't have to do that with me." 

Joe turned his hand under hers, let their fingers lace together. "I told Barry he should do what he thinks is right. When all I want to do is grab him and shake him and tell him to stay the hell away from time travel and Harrison Wells or whatever the hell his name is this week..." He blew a long breath of air out between his lips. "I just want to pull him close to me and never let him go... I want to keep him safe. But I can't make that call. He has to be the one to figure it out."  His eyes meet hers and his heart breaks a little more at the tears he sees standing in them. "I don't want to lose my kid, Caitlin."

She squeezes his fingers again, a sad smile on her lips. "You never have," she whispered. "That's how all this started." 

"The silver lining to the cloud." He raised their joined hands to his lips, saw her throat work furiously as she swallowed, knew she was trying to keep control of herself. "Caitlin..." His voice was low. "Barry's not the only one I don't want to lose."

At that admission, a single tear broke free and rolled down her cheek and there was a part of him that hated himself for making her cry. There was a larger part of him, however, that knew he needed to say this. More than that, he needed her to hear it. "I was alone for a long time... told myself I had Iris, I had Barry, I had my work, I didn't need anything else... Then I met you." He squeezed her hand again. "These last few months..." Words failed him and all he could do was look at her, hope the words he couldn't say were written on his face, in his eyes. 

"You know," she said finally, "I told Iris months ago that when Dr Wells brought Barry into the lab, it gave me someone to save... I never realised that his bringing Barry in... me meeting you... it saved me too." Her eyes were bright. "I don't know what the last year would have been like if I'd never met you... and I'm not so eager to find out." 

"Yeah." Joe's sigh was heavy as he pulled her into a hug. "That makes two of us." Her head rested on his shoulder, her fingers playing with the buttons on his shirt and he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and savoured the moment. 

"So," he said quietly when he opened his eyes again, looked down to see her looking up at him, not thinking about how he was going to say this but knowing that he needed to. "When this is all over... assuming we remember all this... how would you feel about making things more permanent?"

A soft smile came to her face. "I get a key to the door and space in the wardrobe?" 

She was teasing, he knew, but he was serious. Catching her hand in his, his thumb and forefinger found her ring finger, circling the skin at the base. "Not quite what I had in mind." Her breath caught in her throat and his lips twisted ruefully. "I'm not doing a good job of this." 

Her eyes were as bright as her smile and she pushed herself up a little at the same time as she pulled his head down towards her, finding his lips with hers. "You're doing fine," she whispered when she pulled away from him. "And the answer's yes."

Joe felt an answering smile break over his face and he pulled her close and kissed her again. It may have been the first time that they talked about forever, and he hoped it wouldn't be the last. 


End file.
